There is no word to describe what i feel now. I had a relationship for a while but it is a crazy one. I was not even sure that it will work as this relationship started on Friday the 13th and it really is doom.I never believe in such days but who knows?
Anyway, i was seeing a guy but i guess we are history now.There is no more 'we'. How can you love someone who only wanted sex and want that to be the base of the relationship? When we talk ,it is all about him being horny.Gosh, is there no way that guys can control it? Is sex the only there is up in their head? Do they wake up and say "I need sex". It is horrible!!! Every sms, every mail, every messenger is all about SEX!!! At times, i think that he only sees me as a sex object though he claimed that it is not true. Am i wrong not to compromise? I don't think so.
We broke up not because of that but because of the sake of religion. He wanted to convert to another religion. Of course, i do not. What if i have really fallen in love with him? What should i do then?When i told him that, he siad that we are not intimate yet so i do not have to worry.What does that mean anyway? Is it when we start having sex is the time when we are intimate? So does that mean that we are not in love?I guess my feeling for him is just a game for him for sex. Sorry but that is not me. This means that he is not ready for a relationship or commitment so what is the point?
My heart shattered into millions of pieces but there is no tears. Not a single tears. It is either i am trying to be strong or in the state of denial. I wish him all the best and hope that he can find another girl that can satisfy him sexually. As for me, there are still a lot of fish in the sea and if i can't have any then....guess i will be spending my life alone.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Monday, 7 July 2008
Miss
It has been a while since i last blog in. I am now, back in campus.As a matter a fact, it is only 9AM and i am dress but class only starts at 11AM.I woke up around 8AM cuz i canot sleep.The reason seems obvious if you know me.I get restless the first few weeks of the new semester. Well, i miss my dog, Bambi so much. You may think that it is silly feeling this way but it is not.
I spend my time with Bambi a lot. I go to sleep at night with him by my side and wakes up in the morning with him by my side. In campus, i wakes up with spongebob with me and it is so much different.That explains the reason i woke up early. I woke up crying because Bambi is not here. Again, you may say stop being so childish or being a big baby because he is just a dog or my brother is looking after him.All that is true but all that i can say is that i miss my Bambi so much. Miss is just a word but it means more if you are feeling it. There is no actual word to describe it. Everyone told me that he will be ok and not to cry.How is that possible?I spend my sleeping hours with Bambi and proabably most of my time during the holidays. I hate feeling this way but i know that i will feel better when i starts getting busy. So for now, i just have to be strong and do what i am suppose to.
I spend my time with Bambi a lot. I go to sleep at night with him by my side and wakes up in the morning with him by my side. In campus, i wakes up with spongebob with me and it is so much different.That explains the reason i woke up early. I woke up crying because Bambi is not here. Again, you may say stop being so childish or being a big baby because he is just a dog or my brother is looking after him.All that is true but all that i can say is that i miss my Bambi so much. Miss is just a word but it means more if you are feeling it. There is no actual word to describe it. Everyone told me that he will be ok and not to cry.How is that possible?I spend my sleeping hours with Bambi and proabably most of my time during the holidays. I hate feeling this way but i know that i will feel better when i starts getting busy. So for now, i just have to be strong and do what i am suppose to.
Thursday, 8 May 2008
Your face
The world is a lonely and cold place,
Especially this time I can’t see your face,
Everything is misty, everything unclear,
Lost in the fog, where are you, my dear?
I’ve waited for so long but no shadows,
No solid picture of you through that door,
Waiting on the porch for you every night,
But you are still out of sight.
Should I start counting the stars in the sky?
Or should I start to learn how to fly?
Maybe if I pray a little more,
Will you return to this very core?
So many questions, so many tears,
None answer and leads to fears,
Not knowing if I will ever be alright,
I am holding on without any light.
The bed is made and it is cold,
Without you here, I am growing old,
No one to turn to, no one to hold,
This is not a fairytale that I was once told…
“Princess was locked up in a high tower,
The prince has strength, that is his power,
Safe the princess with a kiss,
Through their ups and downs they found bliss,
Before getting married, they found lots of laughter,
Only then, they have their happily ever after”.
I laid awake and drowned in my own tears,
Will I ever get the answer to my prayers?
Should I keep on waiting in this cruel place?
I just hope that one day I will see your face.
Especially this time I can’t see your face,
Everything is misty, everything unclear,
Lost in the fog, where are you, my dear?
I’ve waited for so long but no shadows,
No solid picture of you through that door,
Waiting on the porch for you every night,
But you are still out of sight.
Should I start counting the stars in the sky?
Or should I start to learn how to fly?
Maybe if I pray a little more,
Will you return to this very core?
So many questions, so many tears,
None answer and leads to fears,
Not knowing if I will ever be alright,
I am holding on without any light.
The bed is made and it is cold,
Without you here, I am growing old,
No one to turn to, no one to hold,
This is not a fairytale that I was once told…
“Princess was locked up in a high tower,
The prince has strength, that is his power,
Safe the princess with a kiss,
Through their ups and downs they found bliss,
Before getting married, they found lots of laughter,
Only then, they have their happily ever after”.
I laid awake and drowned in my own tears,
Will I ever get the answer to my prayers?
Should I keep on waiting in this cruel place?
I just hope that one day I will see your face.
Saturday, 3 May 2008
Insane
This is insane!!! It is almost midnight and the neighbour is still burning grass, i think. I just had my bath and washed my hair and i have to do it all over again. I guess yesterday's hard work of cleaning up my room is pointless because all the bedsheets and my towel is the smell of smoke. My poor Bambi also smells...
Well...i don't know what to write because there is nothing much going on right now.It is a holiday for me and there is no plan.I have been back for a week and so far all that i did was clean up the house and it is all clean now. Thank God. Besides that, i am watching 'Buffy the vampire slayer' until the wee hours.Oh, also i am reading 'Frankenstein' for my next semester's independence study.Am i making the right choice to take it?Will i be able to cope with it? There is no class or finals just the research paper.I am still thinking about it.
I guess that is all for me. I am bored but i do not feel like going out. Weird isn't it?
Well...i don't know what to write because there is nothing much going on right now.It is a holiday for me and there is no plan.I have been back for a week and so far all that i did was clean up the house and it is all clean now. Thank God. Besides that, i am watching 'Buffy the vampire slayer' until the wee hours.Oh, also i am reading 'Frankenstein' for my next semester's independence study.Am i making the right choice to take it?Will i be able to cope with it? There is no class or finals just the research paper.I am still thinking about it.
I guess that is all for me. I am bored but i do not feel like going out. Weird isn't it?
Dark parade
The dark Parade
A slow moving parade across the city,
It is quiet, on a Sunday evening,
There were cars, vans and mourners,
Colourless except the decaying!
There he was walking very slowly,
Wiping every tears on his pale cheeks,
Staring at his own black boots,
Hoping-no one can see his tears.
Then, it went motionless,
Everyone in shock and panic,
Some speechless, some screamed,
Sigh- another parade yet to go.
No one spoke of him again,
Two parades, for both husband and wife,
Gone to see their beautiful daughter,
Some said he brings shame and humiliation,
When he put a bullet through his brain.
How could he lose both the queen and princess?
How so? Isn’t this all about love?
They love each other, dearly,
Even when she said,
“There will be a dark parade soon”.
There and then it was again a Sunday,
They left the mourners as they speak,
Finally for eternity,
Maybe that is true love,
Maybe it is true beauty!!
A slow moving parade across the city,
It is quiet, on a Sunday evening,
There were cars, vans and mourners,
Colourless except the decaying!
There he was walking very slowly,
Wiping every tears on his pale cheeks,
Staring at his own black boots,
Hoping-no one can see his tears.
Then, it went motionless,
Everyone in shock and panic,
Some speechless, some screamed,
Sigh- another parade yet to go.
No one spoke of him again,
Two parades, for both husband and wife,
Gone to see their beautiful daughter,
Some said he brings shame and humiliation,
When he put a bullet through his brain.
How could he lose both the queen and princess?
How so? Isn’t this all about love?
They love each other, dearly,
Even when she said,
“There will be a dark parade soon”.
There and then it was again a Sunday,
They left the mourners as they speak,
Finally for eternity,
Maybe that is true love,
Maybe it is true beauty!!
Father
FATHER
I talked to God last night,
My eyes shut tight,
Hoping that He can hear
Wanting Him to be here,
I have one single wish…
Father, will you take me now?
I don’t care why or how,
Please don’t let me wake up
I can’t face this cruel world.
Father, I fail when I ask,
I feel so low because of this task,
I have no one to talk to and no one will listen,
I know I will burn in Hell.
Tears rolling down my cheeks
I beg for You to take me now,
I can’t face the challenge
No! I hurt too much.
I fall every time and could not get up,
I feel so lost and empty,
Every minute of everyday,
I will still be waiting, I pray,
Please, Father take me now.
I talked to God last night,
My eyes shut tight,
Hoping that He can hear
Wanting Him to be here,
I have one single wish…
Father, will you take me now?
I don’t care why or how,
Please don’t let me wake up
I can’t face this cruel world.
Father, I fail when I ask,
I feel so low because of this task,
I have no one to talk to and no one will listen,
I know I will burn in Hell.
Tears rolling down my cheeks
I beg for You to take me now,
I can’t face the challenge
No! I hurt too much.
I fall every time and could not get up,
I feel so lost and empty,
Every minute of everyday,
I will still be waiting, I pray,
Please, Father take me now.
Friday, 25 April 2008
Second best
The mirror shatters like rain,
Everything now is just numb with pain,
How long can i take trying to pretend?
Well, i guess that it will never ever end.
Words of love are just words,
Action, that is a stronger impact,
I need no other word but understanding,
Wondering when will it all end.
I hate the truth, it hurts,
It cut me, no, no i am not made from stone,
I cry, I fall and I bleed,
You don't know that, you think i am invisible.
Love me as the second best,
In the past, the present and the future?
What was my mistake to your acts?
This inhuman curelty, leads to tears.
Will you love me if i was prettier,
Will you love me if i was not shy?
What if i die? Will you laugh?
Sick of people threating me,
Like a stone, dead and an object,
Why is it always me?
Me, that always comes as...,
The second best.
Everything now is just numb with pain,
How long can i take trying to pretend?
Well, i guess that it will never ever end.
Words of love are just words,
Action, that is a stronger impact,
I need no other word but understanding,
Wondering when will it all end.
I hate the truth, it hurts,
It cut me, no, no i am not made from stone,
I cry, I fall and I bleed,
You don't know that, you think i am invisible.
Love me as the second best,
In the past, the present and the future?
What was my mistake to your acts?
This inhuman curelty, leads to tears.
Will you love me if i was prettier,
Will you love me if i was not shy?
What if i die? Will you laugh?
Sick of people threating me,
Like a stone, dead and an object,
Why is it always me?
Me, that always comes as...,
The second best.
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